Thursday, March 3, 2011

Confining My Self

It's our third monthsary tomorrow. And right now, I'm reminiscing the moments of our togetherness.

In the first monthsary, we haven't had any celebrations because we were both away from each other. To compromise, after seeing each other with excitement we had a wonderful getaway, wandering to places where we thought we are at peace and in love. Of all the things that had happen, this month had a very blissful memory for both of us.

During the second, before celebrating we had a fight over a small thing. After that argument she said "let's make this a thank you and i'm sorry day." There and then she knew that she was insensitive sometimes and i had the opposite heart for that. It was the first time of testing my patience (i know i don't have much of it and it's really hard to stretch it out). But then again, we sustained. Several days had gone by and I saw it that we were so in love with each other and I'm so loving every bit of it (from simple text messages to mushy talks and cuddles).

In this third month of being together, i had a feeling of discontent. we had a rough time because of being busy working. and almost everyday, we are stressed (we almost turned ourselves into zombies because we rarely take sleep). It was odd, I felt the chill. I never thought she'd turn into something like this (being cold to me at times) we've been like this for three consecutive days from now... and I had a hard time coping with this idea. I've became a worrywart due to my transgressions. Being with her alone in the whole afternoon is great, but not talking with each other for the whole duration of that time is tormenting... the silence is deafening, her silence is killing me softly. I don't even know when, where, why and how it started.

All this time, I became her shock absorber but I don't have the capacity to become her stress reliever. and I am so sorry for that. I pity myself for being a liability to the people around me. I am trying to cope with these stuffs in my own way. But silently, i'm in pain. It is really terrifying to see her in silence... especially when we are alone with each other. She didn't even bother talking to me. and I think my fault is that i'm thinking too much and i'm taking things seriously just like what i'm doing right now. I'm being subjective to every details i see in her actions... because i cannot fathom the depth of her silence.

I wanted to end the melancholy inside my heart. I can't even understand myself why am I so upset with these small thoughts of mine. Maybe I'm just blinded by these things and I cannot get the idea that she needs to unwind and relax herself for a while. She became so restless lately, and I think our problem is an offshoot to that restlessness. I would always sound so annoying to her because I always ask her if she's okay (and she don't want to elaborate on what she feels at that moment). It's pissing her off. How I had L's blank facial expression so that others couldn't tell what I feel inside after seeing her like that.

After feeling of not being catered and sensing her coldness to me, I had the idea of staying at home for a week. just a thought.

anyhow, happy third monthsary. i love you dearest boss. :)


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