Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Confession of a Tightwad Grown-Up 3 (Topsy-Turvy)
Here I am. Coughing over a pack of cancer sticks. Still hoping that if I would smoke today, I would surely die by tomorrow. And with that I won't quit chain smoking.
I still wonder what would Des and Lad be acting by the time I meet them at our rendezvous on the next day. I forgot about them already, about what happened to us - they're history. All I'm thinking right now is blank. Really.
A cup of coffee in this gray December night would be nice (especially if it would be paired with an angel by my side). Ella, still sleeping like a night-blooming cereus - a cactus that keeps its beauty overflowing with her flowing that only blooms at night. I'm not saying she's the opposite of a morning glory. Well in fact, she's my morning glory - she will always be. I still can't refuse looking at her.
And everytime I step out right through her door, a smile would be painted in my face. It's enough for me if I see her happy. Does it make sense? We've share a glimpse of our lives. But everytime that I would know more of her, little by little my heart would feel that it is squeezed by somebody. Ella's heart belongs to someone now, and I couldn't help it but listen to her stories. I almost forgot that she can make anyone love her if she would only do it for purpose. Gravity.
I made a short note just for Ella, but decided not to give it. I can't stand the agony.
I wish to take your picture so I can dream of you tonight.
I wish to give you a bunch of roses but what's the use?
I wish to hold your hands but if I would do that, you might vomit.
I wish to hug you tight but you won't need it anyway.
I wish to love you more but somebody owns you now.
It's the same way of saying I couldn't reach your heart Ella. Wishful thinking didn't matter alot but it sure helps - it always do.
I have nothing more to say... I wish you all the best in life. =)
Life is tough. Love is burden. All are ruined, so forget about life and forget about love for now. Suppress. It's not a sign of giving up. It's a sign of being strong. Though making myself more serious about this stuff is telling me that I'm sick.
Everyone's wishing to have a long-lasting healthy relationship, and so do I. However, I must build a strong foundation with my princess before reaching to that point. I still hope for the right time... and that I can be rigid until then. And when that rightful time would come, I would give my very all just to ask for her hand. More than writing her letters from time to time just for her to know that I think of her every minute of my life. More than giving her an hour of piggy-back ride. More than singing a song dedicated only for her, even if I'm out of tune, I'd surely sing. More than standing for several hours outside her gate under the heavy thunderstorm, just to give a bunch of roses. More than kneeling in front of her with a signboard saying 'I Love You'. More than catching for her when she's on a running tricycle and when I'm on my running shoes. More than screaming 'I Love You Ella!' in the middle of a crowd just for her to hear me out. More than what's her definition of love. More than all of me...
But Ella and I have our own destinies to make. She already found hers, I'm still struggling for mine. Too bad, it wasn't cordial as it should be.
The world revolves. As it goes, it was too late for me to realize... I can never make thinks happen all according to my way.